Top Secret Playoff Scouting Reports

Posted on May 27, 2015 By

Many of you may not know this, but there is a top-secret scouting organization whose membership is comprised of retired Israeli Special Forces operatives and ninjas. This secret organization is highly skilled at assessing the psychological shortcomings of hockey players, as well as their on-the-ice deficiencies. We’ve learned that there are a couple teams in the NHL that pony up the millions in cash that is required for this group’s top-secret scouting reports.

We cannot tell you how we were able to get our hands on this latest report, but rest assured that none of us working here at Blades of Funny headquarters are allowed to go down into the basement for the next three months. All we can speak on the subject is that we saw someone who appeared to be Darryl Sutter, leading someone who appeared to be Jay Bouwmeester (only with a burlap bag over his head), into what he playfully called the “I’ll teach you to make a sucker out of me” room.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks – Deploy a covert operation inside their dressing room which involves equipping every stall with a calendar that prominently tells the subject it is the month of April.

Chicago Blackhawks – Set up intelligence officers outside their team hotel. Four hours prior to game-time have your men slash the tires of their team bus.  This will force the subjects to take either a cab or limousine to the game, thereby ensuring that several members of the team will be in no state of mind to concentrate on the game. Better yet, some may not even arrive at the arena after becoming distracted by random puck bunnies. * Should you be playing this team in the Stanley Cup Finals, before putting this plan into effect, make sure that Marian Hossa has a secure mode of transportation arranged to the arena.

Vancouver Canucks – While this may go against your gut instinct, it is essential that you spot this team a 1 or 2 goal lead late in the 3rd period. Subjects have been known to be unable to respond to such a scenario.  This is especially true for the subject who wears jersey #1.

Phoenix Coyotes – In order to have any chance of victory, you must warn everyone in your organization to not get within 2 feet of any subject wearing a jersey with the emblem of a howling coyote head. Failure to do so will result in unlimited powerplays against. Also, due to recent developments, having rattlesnake bite antidote on hand is the wise thing to do.

Nashville Predators – A report on this team will require a membership upgrade due to our employees having to pay a special “scout tax” to enter and watch games held at venues inside this state.

Detroit Red Wings – Step 1: plant propaganda stories in the papers that go on and on about what a “money” goaltender Chris Osgood has been in the playoffs. Step 2: plant propaganda stories in the papers that paint Mike Babcock as a genius for switching goalies in the middle of the Olympics.  Step 3: enjoy facing Chris Osgood.

Los Angeles Kings – Not much is known about this squad because  they have not participated in post-season hockey since the days of Jason Allison and Zigmund Palffy ruling the NHL.  We did learn that in the past,  however, calling for stick measurements has been known to work against this team… because they are a bunch of cheaters.

Colorado Avalanche – In order to win against Colorado, you must neutralize Joe Sakic and Peter Forbserg. Getting traffic in front of Patrick Roy is also a crucial key to victory. Syke! We’ve been too busy fooling around with our hot tub time machine to do a report on the current Avs. But don’t worry about this team, they’re in way over their heads… this year.

Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals – To gain an edge on this team, study film of the February 24th Olympic game between Canada and Russia. Formulate the same strategy that the team in the white jerseys used against the team in the red ones.

New Jersey Devils – Leave an envelope containing plane tickets to Hawaii and a list of tee times for the state’s finest golf courses outside Ilya Kovalchuk’s room. His predisposed instincts will take over and nobody in the Devils organization will be able to find him for a good week.

Buffalo Sabres – We’re sorry to inform you that we have been unable to gather any intelligence on this team.  This is because the Ontario-based scout assigned to cover this team traded in his tickets in hopes of snagging seats for the new Hamilton franchise. He was last seen standing outside Copps Coliseum, wearing a faded “make it seven” t-shirt, texting away feverishly on his blackberry about what what he plans to do to Gary Bettman and how big of an idiot  Judge T. Baum is. Recent reports that our scout has been seen flying in and out of Atlanta have not been confirmed.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Prior to puck-drop, have your captain skate over to Marc-Andre Fleury and whisper the following in his ear: “I’m so glad that your hard work and dedication were rewarded with a well-deserved Olympic gold medal.” Subject will spend the rest of the series distracted as he tries to figure out if your captain was serious or just a sarcastic a-hole.

Ottawa Senators – Prior to game 1 of the series, kidnap Jason Spezza and transport him to the nearest comedy club. This will result in him choking on his own laughter and leave the rest of the organization in no mood to play hockey.

Montreal Canadiens – Let agent Allan Walsh know that you’ve heard rumors that Carey Price has been strutting around the Canadiens dressing room like he owns the place, bragging to everyone who will listen that he will get all the playoff starts. This will surely result in an off-ice incident that will distract the franchise. If you really want to up the distraction ante, drop some rumors about the City of Montreal cracking down on organized crime.

Philadelphia Flyers – Shoot the puck on goal. Our computer analysis has informed us that if you do this, there is a 33% chance it will go in. This has proven to work time and time again, and should work again unless John Tortorella is choosing your lineup.

Boston Bruins – If you are able to locate the subject on this team who is an offensive threat (we have been able to find this person), send out one of your fourth-liners to take him out with a headshot. After a quick fight with Shawn Thornton, you are guaranteed that none of your players will be touched for the remainder of the series.

If you enjoyed this post, the only thing left for you to do is follow Blades of Funny on twitter. Tonight, I’ll be on that machine celebrating the fact that Toronto finally won something meaningful this season… the draft lottery!

documents


From The Mind Of Vladimir Sharapov

Posted on May 25, 2015 By

(This is a guest post written by Vladimir Sharapov (Владимир Шарáпов). Vladimir works as a baseball scout in his home country of Russia, but his true passion lies in the sport of hockey. We hope that you agree with us when we say that Vladimir will add both a serious and an international opinion to the Blades of Funny community. His posts are unedited from the copies that he sends us, save for the censoring of swear words.)
HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER,

I write here TODAY to tell you about PROFOUND INJUSTICE done to my comrades. My expose will AWE and SHOCK you lazy North American who sit around eating cheese covered chip all day.

After watching games involving OVECHKIN vs. STUPID MONTREAL and MALKIN vs. UGLY MONTREAL. I can tell you this with no question in my mind: THE RUSSIAN SUPERSTARS WERE CHEATED IN THE PLAYOFFS.

YES IT IS TRUE. Every bone of VLADAMIR’S BODY feel truth must be told.

EVIDENCE IS CLEAR.

Montreal bad team who can not score goal on MICHAEL LEIGHTON but they defeat MALKIN AND OVECHKIN? THIS smell like more fish to VLADIMIR than the shores of SEVERDVINSK.

GOALTENDER from SLOVAKIA <Vladimir SPIT on floor> play like MIRACLE ON ICE vs. OVECHKIN and MALKIN but now he not able to stop MIDGET FRENCHMAN BRIERE and WALKING HOSPITAL PATIENT GAGNE. This no make any sense to VLADIMIR.

League do not want Cup of Stanley champion to be HANDSOME RUSSIAN MAN with flair of sabertooth tiger and instinct of killer bee. This why league conspire to ELIMINATE comrades with superior HOCKEY SKILL.

OR League afraid of CRAZY FANS in Philadelphia and Montreal so they act like chicken who do not want bones broken. I do not understand how Montreal defeat OVECHKIN and MALKIN back-to-back. IMPOSSIBLE.

Anti-RUSSIA conspiracy also effect DATSYUK and KOVALCHUK too but VLADIMIR not have evidence as clear about this like I have about Montreal. Plus DETROIT team get many breaks in previous times so it is CLEAR to VLADIMIR they not part of conspiracy.

You say to VLADIMIR: but what about NABOKOV and BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, they still in playoffs?

I write in previous post about NABOKOV how he not TRUE RUSSIAN because he too much CALIFORNIA DREAMING. About BROTHERS KOSTITSYN I choose not to talk about them. They good Russian boys and we leave it at that, OK? Good. No more question in future about BROTHERS KOSTITSYN, PLEASE.

I need to end now as I have to catch train to scout baseball tomorrow but I hope my words open eyes of hockey fans that league cheat and is anti-RUSSIAN. American Fans deprived of ability to watch best players in league because league eliminate all GREAT RUSSIANS. This make VLADIMIR’S STOMACH HURT more than water from village well.

Before I go, I answer COMMENTS AND WORDS FROM READERS FROM PREVIOUS POST…

***

I do not know what this mean. Everytime VLADIMIR visit America to scout baseball, people come up to me and say about player:

“He strong like Drago.”

“He powerful like Drago.”

“He probably juice like Drago.”

Why should Vladimir care what juice player drink? SILLY AMERICANS. I do not get your conversation. NEXT!

***

Man who work as waiter write comment:

You must spend too much time in kitchen because RUSSIAN MEN do not golf. What sort of SISSY game is golf? Walk around park, hit little ball into little hole located in middle of park. GAME IS LAZY AND STUPID FOR FAT NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

You want to know what OVECHKIN and rest of RUSSIA MEN do to relax? WE hunt the elusive LYNX in SOUTHERN SIBERIA. This is what a REAL man do, not walk around park and hit white balls with stick.

***

Finally, lovely lady write to BLADES OF FUNNY ABOUT VLADIMIR:

Maybe you invite VLADMIR to marriage in North America so VLADMIR get visa and achieve life dream of working for Blue Jays of Toronto?

What can VLADIMIR offer in return for visa? I strong like ox, fix house without problem, hunt for food, and build magnificent well in your village. If you marry VLADIMIR you become ENVY of all women in village filled with fat and lazy NORTH AMERICAN MEN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

vladimir-sharapov


The West Is Pretty Playoff Weak

Posted on May 24, 2015 By

Let me start off this post by stating how royally pissed off I am about HBO’s “Luck” getting the boot after a few horses died on set and PETA/TMZ/JACKASSES decided to blow the story up. And, of courses, everyone is piling on now because our society is cool like that. I can just hear the phone calls to HBO in protest of the show by people with nothing better to do…

WAH WAH WAH

I would have called their bluff if I was HBO… especially if it was a male caller, ’cause no way in hell would any man ever cancel HBO with Eastbound & Down still playing. And chicks probably still dig True Blood ’cause vampires are still sexy, am I right, ladies?

So yeah, RIP “Luck”. You’ll be remembered for some great acting, awesome character development and intriguing story lines by this amigo. But with your departure, hopefully now, no horse will ever die, anywhere, ever again.

With that rant out of the way, let me focus on the hockey part of this post. I got to thinking last night and there are really only two teams in the West that would scare me in the playoffs. Before I get to them, let me list off the ones which don’t.

St. Louis – I’d say they’re the best team out of the teams which don’t do it for me. I just can’t see them getting past round 2. They’ve got an interesting mix of players, good character, and you’d think they could go far, but it’s just hard for me to think this group is experienced enough as a whole (together) to really contend this year. Just a gut.

Detroit – Do you think they can survive the grind of the postseason? Hell, they can’t even survive the grind of the regular season. I know, I know, 91 points is nothing to sneeze at but *sneeze*!

Dallas – Yeah, don’t really see them doing much because, umm, they may not even make the playoffs.

Chicago – I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the Blackhawks — “Goaltending, defensive depth, drunken Kane!” you say — but are they really fear-worthy at this point? Hell no.

Phoenix – Mike Smith had an epic February so you know things will even out with him having an epic disaster of an April. Can you really picture the Coyotes having playoff success? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Colorado – Too young.

San Jose – They sadly made a trade for Dominic Moore which means that they now face the “Curse of Dominic Moore” and will have no playoff success. Plus, it’s kind of time for them to fade out of the picture. They do play in San Jose, after all.

Calgary – BAHAHAHAAHAHA

Los Angeles – Sadly, they have the great ability to mess everything up. I think that became their lot in life after the McSorley stick incident.

So that leaves Vancouver and Nashville as the two teams in my mind that could make hay in the West.

Vancouver has their own issues from Luongo’s psyche to the Wonder Twins misplacing their special rings (I’m sure they’ll find them come April), but you still gotta give them the edge here. The one issue I see is that they may run out of gas with another long playoff push.

Nashville is pretty stacked top to bottom without any superstars up front. I’m not exactly sold on Radulov being a difference maker because it’s probably hard to adjust playing in that crap league over there to getting thrown into the playoffs over here. He’ll probably be a disaster and take his butt back to Russia soon after where he can return to being that mysterious Russian star hockey player, without the mystery. But with their goaltending and blueline, hard to argue against the Preds going far.

So yeah, how about that. Another post done!

Serious Thoughts


Return Of The Mack

Posted on May 23, 2015 By

So I’m back up in the game
Running things to keep my swing
Letting all the people know
That I’m back to run the show

90′s music for the MOTHER EFFIN’ WIN!

It’s March 14th. I think Arron Asham has had a long enough run as the face of Blades of Funny —since October 14th for christ’s sake! It’s true that I’ve been away from blogging because of concussion-like symptoms. However, no media showed up at my door asking when I’ll be back. I didn’t even get any emails asking if I’m alright… or even a “hey jackass, hope you didn’t die from mold poisoning in your basement, idiot blogger!”

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

A little sad, sure… but not bitter.

Not at all.

Seriously, I ain’t. Let it go already!

The spam bots left enough comments on BoF to make up for YOUR lack of caring.

But yeah, earlier this week I received an email from my domain registrar telling me this prime piece of internet real estate is about to expire. So I remembered I still have a blog! And it might be time to update it.

Life has been busy. Me and the Missus had a baby at the end of November –THIRD ONE! BOOM, I GOT POTENT SPERM!!! So time has been quite scarce. And between blogging or running my fantasy teams, something had to give.

I’ve moved away from reading blogs — save for Down Goes Brown, Puck Daddy, Fantasy Hockey Scouts (hey, I play to win!) and some parts of Backhand Shelf — and moved on to getting my hockey fix from podcasts. Marek vs. Wyshynski is pure awesomeness. Their sweet, sweet voices put me to sleep every night when I fire up the podcast — which is not to say it’s boring or dull, just that I’m dead tired usually so I dose off after 1/2 hour. Backhand Shelf is the other one I tune into all the time. So yeah, find the podcasts help with my ADD… or contribute to it. Either way, I’m a happy camper.

In January, I put down $100 on the Canucks to win the Cup. $900 coming my way if that happens. Feel pretty confident with this one still.

I also put down $20 on the Caps to make the Finals at 11 to 1 odds. Don’t feel as confident here (should’ve bet on the Pens instead).

As far as players who I’ve fallen in love with this year (mostly because of fantasy hockey)… Alex Pietrangelo! Dude is money after a slow start.

Who/what do I still hate? Call me Brian Burke but advanced stats are so damn boring. I’ve made a conscious effort to never read about them ever again!

Some other thoughts:

– Don Cherry is awesome.

– This “ringette” line that they’re thinking of implementing is retarded (not a politically correct statement in this age of softness, I know, but it is!). Why don’t we just make a Pac-Man maze that the defesemen have to follow in order to advance the puck of the zone. Maybe make it a corn maze. Boom!

– The Mario Lemieux statue is pretty damn ugly. I’m not sure it’s ever a good idea to put other people in a statue unless their legacies are intertwined (like Matt Cooke and Marc Savard, for instance). But taking that little tidbit out, the fact that when you see two giant asses in the air right behind him, makes me just shake my head.

–  Cody Hodgson is like a Christian Ehrhoff. He’s a product of the Canucks system. Won’t be as good as many think he will be. Zack Kassian is going to be a beast. He skates so well for a dude his size and has nice hands and not to mention has that sandpaper to him. Good trade for Vancouver. Thumbs up to Gillis, thumbs down to the haters.

I think that’s all for today. I’m going to try to get this blog going again. Maybe do a redesign and make it cooler. But I missed you guys. Spam bots just don’t do it for me. Leave some comments dammit so I know someone at least read this! Hahaha.

Serious Thoughts


Quick Playoff Predicitions

Posted on May 22, 2015 By

Quick playoff prediction post before I go back to reading the thoughts of 68% of our population who think it’s a good idea to take civil liberties away and/or feel that “saving” women from “oppression” by mandating what they cannot wear is not the least bit hypocritical. On the bright side, the poll was at 76% “yes” on Monday so at least SOME sanity is being restored. //end rant

Here is my playoff bracket (I’d be shocked if I’m wrong because these things are never wrong):

West:

1st Round:

Vancouver over Chicago in 7
San Jose over LA in 6
Phoenix over Detroit in 6
Nashville over Anaheim in 5

I’m stoked to see the ‘Nucks/’Hawks again. If I were Quenneville, I’d call up Kyle Beach and have him do his best Dustin Byfuglien impression in front of Luongo. Hard to go against Vancouver, though, especially since Chicago couldn’t even close when they had to.

I like Phoenix over Detroit as the upset pick in the West. I’m sure I’ll get some hate on this from a certain faithful reader!

2nd Round:

Vancouver over Phoenix is 6
Nashville over San Jose in 7

West Final:

Nashville over Vancouver in 6

East

1st Round

Washington over Rangers in 5
Philadelphia over Buffalo in 6
Boston over Montreal in 7
Pittsburgh over Tampa in 5

Not sure I like the fact I’ve picked the top 4 seeds to advance. Buffalo beating Philly seems to be the trendy pick — at least I think it’s the trendy pick from what I could gather — and those hardly ever pan out.

2nd Round:

Washington over Pittsburgh in 6
Philadelphia over Boston in 7

East Final:

Washington over Philly in 6

Stanley Cup

Washington over Nashville in 7

The old adage that a team has to go through tribulations and take their bumps before they can emerge as champion certainly rings true with the Caps right now. So there you have it. Bet the house on the Caps!*

*Don’t really.

Miscellaneous


If You Write It, They Will Comment… And Laughs Will Be Had By All

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

In this series, Blades of Funny scours the internet and finds memorable comments left under hockey-related stories. You may laugh, you may cry, you may block this site on your browser so you never have to read this drivel again, but one thing is certain: you will not become any smarter by reading this post.

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The Article: The Vancouver Canucks are playing one of those so-called “meaningless” games on Saturday, wrapping up the NHL regular season with a home contest against the Calgary Flames.

The Comment by Sheriff Woody: Ask the Leafs for some pointers…82 meaningless games this year….

BoF: ZING!

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The Article: Ladies and gentleman, let’s hear it for country-western recording artist Theoren Fleury. For the past few months, the former NHL star has been honing his vocal chords at Calgary-based studio Pyramid Productions.

The Comment by edhull: Is he drunk?

BoF: Nope, just broke.

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The Article: Six players from Slovenia’s league champion, Acroni Jesenice, have been booted from the team after beating up their head coach in drunken post-game celebration. The six then turned on the coach, reportedly beating him with wooden traffic signs that they found by the side of the road.

The Comment by President Camacho: The coach tried yelling “Stop!”, but the team just assumed he wanted them to beat him with a specific sign.

BoF: ZING!

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The Article: Iginla has made it clear he wants to be part of the solution. But public debate still rages over whether Thursday’s tilt was the final act at home for the face of the franchise.

The Comment by Anonymous: Iggy goes I go. and I am a hard core flames fan. dont let it come down to that

BoF: Darryl, is that you? Yeah, I bet it’s you.

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The Article: TWO WEEKS AGO, they [Flyers] were the team everybody wanted to play in the playoffs. The feeling is slightly different now. They have won two games in a row entering their critical final weekend, with two games against the Rangers, and have played a more inspired brand of hockey over their last five. “Now if we play this way,” Danny Briere was saying after practice yesterday, “I don’t think a lot of teams want to play us. We’ve said it all along. We’re built as a playoff team. We’re warriors.”

The Comment by noslok: Ha ha ha! “I don’t think a lot of teams want to play us.”? Are you kidding? Well, here’s an engraved invitation from Washington: Please, oh please, can we PLEASE play the Flyers in the first round? ROTFL!!!

BoF: You hear that, Briere? It’s not just an invitation, but an ENGRAVED invitation. Those take time and effort to create.

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The Article: Sami Salo showed up Friday for the Vancouver Canucks team photo, and left on the injury list. It sounds like a cruel joke. Instead, it’s a cruel reality for the Canucks.

The Comment by anonymous: The Vancouver Canucks are like a disappointing wife that keeps on forgetting your birthday every year!

BoF: //double take… What? I’m thinking this poor guy needs to sit his wife down and talk it out, instead of getting his feelings out by leaving random metaphors on the internet.

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The Article: A list of the 2009-10 Masterton nominees

The Comment by Jasper the Black Lab: What does Chris Drury persevere through? Can’t he hire a lackey to carry his obscenely large paycheques?

BoF: Nope, the lackey is currently on an exclusive contract working for Wade Redden.

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This concludes the festivities for this post. Please take the time to follow Blades of Funny on twitter. If you do not, then the next time you hail a cab, Patrick Kane will rush up and ask if you want to split the fare with him. It’s your call, my friend.

Comments


If You Write It, They Will Comment… And Laughs Will Be Had By All

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

In this series, Blades of Funny scours the internet and finds memorable comments left under hockey-related stories. You may laugh, you may cry, you may block this site on your browser so you never have to read this drivel again, but one thing is certain: you will not become any smarter by reading this post.

——————————————-

The Article: Deadspin shares this story by the National Postwhich examines the unlikely trend of hockey jerseys being popular among youth in Africa. A snippet from the Post’s article:

The phrase “Dead White Man Clothes” is a common term in Uganda’s marketplace. In Ghana, (where I spotted a Winnipeg Jets jersey in 2005) the phrase in local Twi is “obruni we wo.” Translation: “a white man has died.”

After all, why else would anyone give up these perfectly good clothes?

The Comment by Hit Bull Win Streak:

“Dead White Man’s Clothes

And here I thought I was the only one still rocking the John Kordic Nordiques jersey

BoF: Well played.

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The Article: Down Goes Brown gets Flyers fans worked up with his post on Carcillo ( which includes a joke about Carcillo’s mustache), leading a Flyers fan to reply in anger:

You’re 30 and can’t grow facial hair ( it’s a throw back stache to honor the bullies) dumb ass

Which sets up…

The Comment by bleedblueandwhite:

Carcillo growing the ‘stache to honor the bullies is like playing Nickleback at a Rolling Stones tribute. if you’re gonna honor someone, don’t suck at it

BoF: A comment that slams both Carcillo and Nickelback? That deserves enshrinement into the internet hall of fame, my friends.

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The Article: Taking a look at how Crosby is being received in Montreal: A restaurant on St-Denis Street laid out a white No. 87 Crosby jersey over a red carpet on the sidewalk, so that patrons could stomp on it.

The Comment by John David:

His Jersey should be stomped on.

What has Crosby done for Canada?

He went to the USA because they were the highest bidder and offered him the biggest pot of money.

He is a disgrace to Canada…why isn’t he playing for Montreal? Because MONEY got in the way and he was offered a bigger cheque in the USA.

BoF: This guy NEEDS to be featured on HNIC’s iDesk like RIGHT NOW. I can’t even imagine what Cherry’s reaction would be, but I bet it would be epic. Then again, Cherry may very well side with this theory, which…wouldn’t be as epic.

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The Article: Grey whale makes rare appearance in Vancouver’s False Creek

The Comment by anonymous (here):

Breaking News:

Unconfirmed reports that the whale swimming around in False Creek today was actually Dustin Byfuglien.

BoF: Zing!

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The Article: Both MSNBC and NBC Chicago got suckered in by an obviously fake story about members of the Canucks being fined for planning a pizzeria crawl of Chicago’s deep dish establishments, and reported it as fact.

The Comment by Steve U:

3 Dead, 13 Injured as Mafia War Intensifies – Crime, B7

Record Pumpkin Crop Reported in Farmville, KS – U.S., C4

BoF: Well played.

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The Article: Cult of Hockey shares an excerpt from a Blades of Funny post.

The Comment by bill:

not really amusing. not that im not game for ripping on souray

BoF: Can’t really argue with the ‘not really amusing’ part, but has Bill ever wondered how his comments affect other people? Some people may have feelings which are even more sensitive than Sheldon Souray’s and reading stuff like this really cuts right to the soul…sniff…I think next time…sniff sniff…Bill should think twice before leaving…sniff…his malicious comments…sniff sniff…It’s Edmontonians like him…sniff…that give the city a bad reputation…sniff…

Comments


Making Babies With Other Hockey Blogs

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

No intro to this today. Instead, get ready to laugh your butt off at my expense…

–Rink Side Rants – You know what’s really hard? Talking on the radio. I kid you not, I shall never ever in my life make fun of anybody who says something dumb on the radio.

If you’re curious as to why I’m making such a proclamation, this link will take you to my podcasting debut and let me tell you, it’s just one big pile of awkwardness. A grown man in his 30′s should never use the words “like” and “and that” and “right?” back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back in every sentence. But that’s one of the side effects when you ramble on in order to stall for time because you’re nervous and your mind is a blank. Surprisingly, a panic attack is not conducive to articulating things and getting your thoughts in order.

It was a blur, man. I refuse to listen to the first 10 minutes of the show as I think I broke down laughing at one point and frankly, I don’t want to relive that again!

In my defense, it was my first time and two things really threw me off at first: 1) talking into dead air felt really weird, and 2) unlike a real life conversation dynamic, you have to stop talking for a couple seconds so the others now you’re done before they jump in. This is something brand new to me as I’m used to my wife jumping in and cutting me off before I can finish any point I’m trying to make. Now I know why she does it! This would also explain why at the beginning I rambled on and on about Kovalchuk, repeating the same point, and from god-know-where came up with a $150m contract offer. Lol! But yeah, I think I settled in as the show progressed (right? right? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST AGREE!!!). I’m pretty sure if I do 25 more shows like this, I won’t sound like I*just* escaped from a mental hospital. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, thanks to Tim from Sabres Noise and Frank from The Rat Trick for having me. If I did one thing for their show, it’s that I made them sound like seasoned pros!

–Funny story about the podcast:

I told my wife about it earlier in the week and didn’t make it seem like a big deal. Y’know, being the pro that I am.

After the show was over, I went upstairs and she asked me how it went. I just looked at her and broke down laughing. Then she started laughing. We both laughed for like a good hour.

–If you’re laughing right now, you’re a jerk!

–Puck Daddy – This piece started a huge debate about bloggers getting accreditation. I actually prefer if the bloggers I follow are independent and 100% free to express their opinions without any accountability to the entity which they are talking about. That’s the biggest thing which differentiates blogs from the rest of the mainstream media, in my opinion.

Now, don’t take that to mean that I think bloggers don’t have accountability because they do. Their readers hold them accountable and the ones who go off the deep end are quickly weeded out (like for example:  if some jackass blogger does a podcast and sounds like an idiot, you’d never read his blog again, right?).

–Whatever your opinion on this topic, you’ve got to really admire someone like Greg Wyshynski (Puck Daddy), who straddles the blogger/mainstream line while being respected by both sides and maintaining his edge, humor and unbridled opinion. That’s a hard thing to pull off. It’s even harder to pull off when you’re a blogger in a bubble covering a specific team.

–Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle also wrote a great piece on the old media vs. new media thing. The canned quotes you get from players before and after the game don’t really add much to the conversation, yet they’re probably the biggest thing that old media has over new media (the ability to get them first). In reality, 95% of the time those quotes don’t matter. What matters is a writer’s opinion and unique insight, which many times an accredited member of the media may possess but, for one reason or another, can’t share.

–You’re still laughing at the podcast? YOU BASTARD!

–The Rat Trick – The Florida Panthers are going with a “party” theme this season; complete with a party supply company sponsorship, which is the reason for this festive decor in the arena:

Clearly, this was inspired by decorations used for the school dance I attended when I was in the 8th grade. Ah yes, that fateful 8th grade dance. To think the podcast almost dethroned it as my life’s most awkward moment. Almost, but not quite.

–Stay Classy – Kevin looks at some of the significant points of the RDO Camp held last week and how they pertain to the prospects who where used as guinea pigs. An excerpt…

The New York Islanders intend to hire Mike Milbury to serve as a special advisor to their scouting team during the event. The Islanders staff will ask Milbury who he would trade in order to rank the top talent.

–Down Goes Brown – DGB has a behind-the-scenes look at Brian Burke’s day as he tries to move Kaberele before his NTC kicks in. An excerpt…

5:25 p.m. – The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn’t the time for a youth movement.

–Intent To Blow – Kovy signs, Devils submit same contract with birth certificate claiming he is 4 years younger. I can see this actually happening in the KHL.

–Discard What You Don’t Need –  Jason takes a look at EA Sport’s NHL 11 demo, complete with funny commentary.

–I’m just rattling these off in rapid-fire style so I can go find a cave and just chill while your laughter subsides. YOU BASTARD!

–Habs Laughs – They found Pierre Gauthier’s Blackberry and are now posting excerpts of what’s on it. Like this one, which features Pierre informing Sergei Kostitsyn he’s been traded…

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Good news Sergei! We’re trading you!

Text from: 514-747-7474- Sergei K
Da?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Yes! I e-mailed like 50 teams and I managed to squeeze Dustin Boyd an

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
D Dan Ellis from Nashville! You’re heading to Nashville!

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
That first one wasn’t finished did you get the second one?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Ver is Nahville?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Why are you texting with an accent?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade? Yes?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
YES! To Nashville. For Dustin Boyd and Dan Ellis.

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Dey not superstars. I worth more. You lose.

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
No Sergei…I win.

Okay, that’s all for today! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Oh, and if any of you know someone who specializes in hacking online radio companies and erasing podcasts, I may be interested in speaking to such a person. Have a good weekend.  I’m off to enroll in broadcasting school.

Just a heads up: this post is set to auto-publish on Friday morning as I’m off on a weekend trip with the family (broadcasting classes don’t start until Monday). Thus, don’t think I’m ignoring you in the comments. I’ll be back Sunday night to check in.

Links


Hey, It’s All Good!

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

While it may not have been the strongest UFA class ever, there’s no shame in modeling your spending habits based on what you see in hip hop videos. Like the newest rapper on the scene, you NEEDED some big-ass bling and some flashy 22′s 24′s 38′s.

Who cares if you overspent as long as the “hoes” in your stable look nice and willing. And let me tell you, Christian Ehrhoff is one sexy German. Sure, he may not look as nice after 10 years of marriage, but the upcoming 3-month honeymoon period is going to be sweet. You’ll always have July to September 2011 to look back to during the bad times. The many, many bad times which await.

Hey, it’s all good, Terry Pegula! You’re worth billions!

 

But the King of Bling title surely belongs to another gentleman. One who made it rain on free agents like no one has ever witnessed before. Nothing could stop this man’s made-for-MTV spending spree.

One of the worst contracts in hockey? I’ll take him!

A forward who couldn’t hack it with the Leafs? Versteeg’s our guy!

Blood clots? Bah, give him 4.5!

An aging 35-year-old defenseman with a vast injury history? Lock him up for 4 years at over 4 million per!

He doubled his previous career-high? I want him!

Oh, his career-high prior to last year was only 21 points? Don’t matter, we already signed him.

Surely, not Bergenheim? Oh, hell yeah Bergenheim! Why keep guys like Grabner or Bergfors around on the cheap when I could spend on B-E-R-G-E-N-H-E-I-M.

What about our goalie, sir? We don’t need one of the best, we’ll go with Theordore and Clemmensen and spend our money on the rest.

Hey, it’s all good, Dale Tallon! At least in your old age you’ll have some familiar faces around to comfort you.

sherman

While Mr. Tallon had the quantity, it took a “special” person to be able to achieve what he did in one quick flash. And it was done by you. You took it upon yourself and decided to anoint this defenseman The Chosen One. The man who would save your team’s atrocious power play and, in turn, your job.

You opened up the Scrooge McDuck vault and let this 27-year-old stud dive into your golden money pit for 6 years. After all, you had extra cash lying around after buying out that overpriced defenseman Commodore. Sheesh, what a bad investment that guy turned out to be, eh? But this new piece is different. He’s an offensive dynamo. A 50+ point getter… last season… the only season… where he played on two teams… three since 2010.

Bah, they don’t know what you know. They aren’t… Columbus.

Hey, it’s all good, Scott Howson. I hear Wiz sucks a mean…
scott-howson

Which brings me to the Mike Milbury Achievement In Trading Excellence Award winner.

You were the shrewd cat who not only possibly cemented your goaltending situation for upcoming season  — and I use the word “possibly” only because I’m not quite sure if Giguere’s health will hold up — but you’re also well on your way to kicking that pesky gambling high addiction you developed after attending this April’s draft lottery.

Oh, and you also got this Semyon Varlamov kid who, depending on who you ask, was either second or third on the Capitals’ goalie depth chart. Best thing about him, however, is he signed a two-year contract so he won’t skip out to the KHL like many feared. At least not for the next two years. Maybe. Never know with these Russians, they live by their own rules. They’re like the Clint Eastwoods of the league, doing as they please, not giving a damn. Gotta admire that. Unless you’re a GM and you just traded a bet your ass it will be how the f*ck could it not be, look at your team! potential top 5 pick for one. Umm, yeah.

Wait, just read that Joe Sakic called him “an elite goaltender.”  Can’t argue with Joe.

So you got “an elite goaltender” and all you gave up was a nobody in their right mind would be dumb enough to trade potential top 5 pick.

Shrewd.

Hey, it’s all good, Shermanator! Even when it really, really is not.

Serious Thoughts


Genetically Altered Fruits and Hockey Fandom

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

You know who’s really interested in listening to you talk about your fantasy hockey team and how it finished? Your Grandmother. That’s it. And only if she lives by herself. And only if she lives by herself AND hasn’t had contact with anyone for over a week because her neighbour slash best friend, Mabel in the apartment across the hall, is currently mad at her because she recently remembered that the Bing Crosby LP she lent your Grandmother back in 1956 was never returned. If that’s the situation you find yourself in, then by all means, talk about your epic fantasy hockey finish. Otherwise…

Let’s get on to something much more important: My thoughts on genetically altered fruit.

There are some fruits that absolutely must be seedless. Like grapes, for example. Anytime I bite into a grape and it surprises me with that bitter seed taste, well, I get so mad that I want to start a fight with Dan Bylsma. So seedless grapes rule. No question about it.

Watermelons, on the other hand, I’m not so sure about. First off, there was nothing wrong with strong black seeds in the watermelons we ate as kids. After we smartened up and chose not to believe that prank our parents played on us by saying the seeds will sprout real watermelons in our belly if we swallow them, we had no problem digesting them.

But now? They say our watermelons are seedless, but then I always find seeds. Weak, white seeds that look like they have AIDS. I don’t know about you but I’m terrified of swallowing one and testing HIV positive because of it. So seedless watermelons suck. No question about it.

Which brings me to lemons. WHY HAVE THEY NOT CREATED SEEDLESS LEMONS??? I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve had to add the juice of a lemon to something and end up standing there with a teaspoon in my hand, fishing out the seeds which accidentally — ON PURPOSE, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING! –  fell in, like I’m some 1920′s  housewife whose husband is going to beat her if he finds a lemon seed in his tea.

So if anyone reading this has an invite to the Bilderberg Conference this year, please make seedless lemons happen. Thanks.

Which brings me to the topic of team fandom. Jeff Marek talked about this a few weeks back on theMarek vs. Wyshynski and it stuck a chord with me. Basically, at some point in my life I became a fan of the game more so than a fan of any specific team.

I grew up an LA Kings fan and cried like a little wuss when I was 14 and they lost to the Habs in the Finals.

Then February 27th, 1996 happened and Wayne Gretzky was traded to the Blues. And I began to drift away from being invested greatly in one team and started to not really care anymore about who wins or loses.

I still have a special place in my heart for the Kings but it’s nowhere close to the fandom displayed by most. The only time I really care about a result is if I have money on it. In fact, the last sporting event which I had any sort of emotional interest in (without gambling) was the 2001 NBA Finals. Why you ask? Because Allen Iverson was and always will be my favorite basketball player.

So a decade has passed since the last time I gave a damn. And longer than that if we’re talking about hockey. In the meantime, with Twitter and the internet, I get exposed to a huge number die-hard fans (even fair weather ones) who live and die with their teams. I’m kind of jealous because I can’t feel that rush.

Which brings me to the question: Are there many of us out there? Ones who love the sport but don’t necessarily care about who wins or loses? And if you are one of these people, what made you change from being a fan of a team to being just a fan of the game? I most curious to hear at what age that change occurred at.

That’s all for today. Hey, 3 posts in under a month! Not bad, huh?

Serious Thoughts